What can you do?

There are many myths about domestic violence and women who stay in domestic violence relationships. The victim is often criticized for remaining in an abusive relationship and her experiences are downplayed as not being serious as a result thereof. It is serious. The reality is that there are often just too many factors that impede a woman from finding reprieve from abuse (for example, dependancy on the abuser, fear that her children will be taken away from her, threats to her family, belief that she can change him or that it will get better, embarrassment and shame). There are however things a woman experiencing domestic violence can do to lessen the effect of the abuse or assist her in leaving an abusive relationship. The following are ways in which a victim, a friend of a victim or a community member can get involved and support a victim of abuse.

What can a victim of domestic violence do?

• Contact a woman's rights organization that can provide practical (including legal) and emotional support
• Go for counselling or join a support group
• Confide in a friend or a family member (that is trusted) and ask for their support
• Confide in an employer or a religious leader for support
• Confide in a social worker or a doctor/nurse
• Create a safety plan
• Move out temporarily
• Go to a shelter for abused women
• Get a protection order
• Lay a charge of assault against the abuser with the police
• Get a divorce

What can you do as a friend?

If you suspect that your friend is being abused try to approach her about it in a sensitive manner - tell her that you are worried about her and that you want to help. Please note however: only approach her when she is alone and it is safe for her to talk to you about it. If she chooses not to talk or confide in you, respect her choice but be there for her when she can. When she is ready to talk take note of the following ways to communicate with her:

• When she confides in you, listen to her effectively. She will let you know how and what kind of support she needs
• Believe her and tell her that you believe her. If you know her partner, remember that abusers often behave differently in public than they do in the home. Abusers are often very charming and manipulative.
• Be supportive and caring. Tell her that you are glad that she told you and that she did the right thing.
• Build on her strengths. Look at ways that she has been able to cope, solved problems or shown courage, even if it did not always work. This will help her build up further strengths.
• Validate her feelings. It is common for women to have conflicting feelings—love and fear, guilt and anger, hope and sadness. Let her know that her feelings are normal and reasonable.
• Avoid victim-blaming. Tell her that the abuse is not her fault. The abuse is her partner's problem and his responsibility, but try not to talk too badly about him.
• Take her fears seriously. If you are concerned about her safety, express your concern e.g. “Your situation sounds dangerous and I'm concerned about your safety.”
• Offer help where and if you can. If you cannot help her yourself help her find other ways that she can be assisted.
• Help her create a safety plan.
• Let her make her own decisions and support these, even if you don't agree with them.

What can you do as a community member?

Often people do not want to get involved because they believe domestic violence is a "family affair". Others fear getting involved in case of retribution from the abuser. Domestic violence is never just a family affair - victims of abuse need as much support as they can get. Strategies that the community can follow in support of victims and in advocating against domestic violence are:

• Intervene if you witness behaviour that you believe is violent or abusive
• Inform yourself and other people about woman abuse; arrange a talk for your school, workplace, union, church or community group
• Lobby the police and government for better services for abused women
• Listen to and believe a woman who confides in you; ask her how you can help and what she needs to feel safer
• Respect that any information an abused woman gives you is confidential